


Bleeding Love

by ourvelvetscars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Dean confesses, DeanCas - Freeform, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Post 15x08, Purgatory 2.0, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21779101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourvelvetscars/pseuds/ourvelvetscars
Summary: When Dean and Castiel arrive in purgatory yet again, words spill and emotions tear them apart. Their bond which was always so strong was now broken and shattered.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 85
Collections: Supernatural S15 Coda Stories





	Bleeding Love

**Author's Note:**

> There is a light mention of self-harm in the end, just a lil warning :)

Dean and Castiel stepped through the rift Michael had created, and into the place Dean swore he would never return to: Purgatory.

Cas gave him a look that was all too familiar. Purgatory had not been kind to them. Cas had spent a year running from monsters trying to keep them away from Dean. And Dean had spent a year running towards the same monsters in hope of finding his angel. Dean's faith in Cas had never wavered. His faith in their friendship had never faltered. But this time, everything was different. Dean and Castiel weren't on the same page anymore. Dean couldn't even find it in himself to _look_ at Cas. Their bond, their relationship was broken.

Dean gripped the machete firmly in his hands, while Cas pulled out his machete. Michael told them that the flower they were looking for, the Leviathan Blossom, usually grew near the stream. Dean knew purgatory inside out; the stream was a few hours away. They had landed in the middle of a forest. Dean glanced around, realising they had to walk downstream for a few hours to find the body of water. Dean took the lead, swinging the machete in his hands ready to use it if necessary.

"Let's go," Dean said. Cas nodded, and silently followed him through the forest. Dean didn't bother making conversation as he normally would, and he kept a few steps ahead of Cas. Being in purgatory was difficult for them, but they put their differences aside to complete the task.

After strolling through the forest for a few hours, Cas stopped, "Dean, stop. Leviathan."

That was all Dean needed to hear to turn around right on time to see two leviathans fall right beside them. Cas swung his machete at lightning speed, as one of the leviathans flung himself towards Cas. The angel grunted and fought back. But the leviathan was strong. He saw Dean struggling on the ground as the other monster had Dean pinned to the floor. After going in circles for a bit, Cas ducked expertly, swinging his machete to decapitate the monster. He immediately sprinted to Dean who was struggling to get the leviathan off him. Cas didn't think twice when he swung his machete, absolutely butchering the monster by cutting his head off. Dean heaved on the ground, clutching his heart. His eyes met Castiel's. Cas offered a hand, but Dean waved it off and stood up by himself.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked.

"I hate these bitches so much," Dean said, scowling.

"Come on, we're almost there," Cas said, taking the lead this time. Dean jogged to catch up to Cas.

"Do we even know what this flower looks like?" Dean asked.

Cas replied, monotonously, "I guess we'll know when we see it."

"Great, that's hopeful," Dean replied, sarcastically.

"Oh yeah, because you're one for hope right?" said Cas, bitter and annoyed.

"I'm not doing this with you, Cas," Dean said.

Cas stopped walking, and faced Dean, "No. You know what? We need to talk. I keep thinking about what Rowena said, about losing time. We need to _talk_ , Dean."

"Purgatory ain't the place for this," Dean muttered.

Cas glared at him, "oh, because Earth is?"

"Shut up, Cas," Dean fired back. And he immediately regretted it. The look Cas gave him was a cold and dark one that Dean wished he could unsee.

Cas growled, "you do NOT get to talk back to me like that- not in that fucking annoying condescending tone. I am so TIRED of your shit, Dean. I'm tired of you treating me like I'm a tool. Like I'm just another person to fuck with, use and then forget about when I'm no longer useful. I am TIRED of you using me, over and over again. I am TIRED of you shoving your anger and fury onto me when all I ever try to do is _save you._ I have given you everything, Dean. I have given you my love, my heart, my LIFE, and this is what you give to me? We're _done._ "

Cas's eyes were burning with so much pain and anger, that it knocked Dean off his feet. Dean felt his blood boil under his skin.

"You let my mother die! Rowena wouldn't have had to die if you just stuck to the fucking plan! And then you leave for god knows how long and you don’t even text Sam back, who was worrying about you for days! You just pop in and out whenever the fuck you want?" Dean yelled back, raising his voice.

Cas took a few steps forward, "you _really_ believe your anger is justified? You're telling me you had no idea Jack would turn out like this after he lost his soul? Aren't you the one who wanted to put a bullet in his head when you first met him?" Dean stared at Cas, stunned, "Yeah I know about that, Sam told me. I left because I didn’t belong here anymore. I don't have a family to turn to. I don't have ANYONE, anymore. You have driven me up the fucking wall so many fucking times, Dean. I put up with you, because yes, despite all of this, despite you pushing me away, saying I'm dead to you, I still fucking care about you. I care a lot. Even when I know, I damn well SHOULDN'T."

Dean stepped back, destroyed with the way Cas's rage was pouring out of him. He had never seen Cas talk back to him like this, and it was overwhelming. 

"I wanted to work things out with you, I wanted to be your friend again. But you NEVER gave us a chance. You really still believe that our friendship was manipulated by Chuck? Do you still believe that?" Cas asked.

Dean gulped, afraid to speak because he knew Cas could snap him in half if he wanted, "I just don't know what to believe." was all Dean could manage to squeak out.

Cas sighed, "I know you're angry. But this has been going on for too long. If you won't apologise for what you said to me, then after all this God shit is over, I'm leaving. For good this time. I can't be around you, knowing that you hate me. I just can't."

Cas turned around without waiting for Dean's reply and left. He kept walking and didn't look back. Dean watched Cas leave, for the 100th time now. He wasn't aware of how much Cas was hurting, and deep down he knew what Cas said was right. He followed the angel, through the bushes, and the leaves crunching beneath their feet. Dean wanted to talk to Cas, but he was afraid he would just make things worse. Because apparently, that what he does. Make things worse.

They stopped for a food and water break, and Dean had to pee desperately. Cas let Dean off to do his business, while he looked around carefully, trying to sense if there were any monsters nearby. With his powers failing, this made it much harder. Dean stepped back into view, closing his zipper up, tight, and Cas pretended he didn't notice.

"You should eat and rest for a bit," Cas said, throwing the backpack to Dean.

"You want some?" Dean asked.

"I don't need to eat. You do," said Cas. Dean shrugged and grabbed out a few packaged sandwiches, and a bottle of water. Dean chugged the water down, remembering to leave some for later, or for Cas. Once Cas was sure they were safe, he sat on the rock opposite Dean. Dean didn't look but continued to eat.

"Cas, we gotta work this out," Dean said, closing the wrapper and remembering not to litter Purgatory.

Cas showed no interest in making conversation.

"Cas," Dean pushed.

"We can't work it out if you won't get your big head out of your ass," Cas hissed. Dean gulped.

"You won't quit, will you?" Dean asked. Cas glared at him, and Dean stopped trying. They had a small break and then continued their hike to the stream. They encountered more leviathan and other monsters, and they fought teeth and claw for their lives. When Cas couldn't save himself, Dean did and vice versa. They never spoke about Cas's outburst, but Dean was careful with his words. They worked well together and fought well beside each other but the tension was still there. Dean hated it as much as Castiel did.

The night drew in very slowly, and soon enough it was pitch black.

Cas stopped them, "you need to sleep."

"Hell, if I can sleep when we have monsters on our ass," Dean said.

Cas sighed, "I don't want you passing out tomorrow. Rest for like 4 hours, if anything happens I will wake you up, otherwise, I'll watch over you."

Dean squirmed. _I'll watch over you._ Cas has said this before YEARS ago.

"Dean," Cas said, snapping Dean from his trance. Dean didn't have the strength to argue anymore, so he obliged, and picked a comfortable spot under the tree to rest. He put his backpack between his spine and the tree trunk. Dean gave Cas another look, but Cas just nodded and turned his back.

As Dean slept, Cas kept an eye out for any odd sounds and all his other senses were on high alert. He watched Dean sleep, as he sat nearby on a rock. His eyes wandered over Dean, up and down. The hunter looked peaceful when he slept, and Cas had always admired that about the man. Dean wasn't a monster, he was just complicated. Very complicated. Cas sighed. He didn't know how to fix everything with Dean. They were so broken, hurt, and their anger was pulling them apart. Every time Cas had tried to talk, Dean would raise his voice and start yelling, shoving nasty words and statements down Cas's throat. Cas hated it. He missed the way they were before. When they were hopeful and when they fought for each other with everything they had. Dean's faith in Castiel had never faltered. Until now.

Cas woke Dean up, maybe 2/3 hours later, when he heard a low growl coming from the darkness. Dean snapped his eyes open, grabbing the machete. He pulled himself together and glared at the werewolf staring back at him. The werewolf howled as if it was calling its pack. Dean gave Cas a panicked look and Cas agreed. No words were spoken, but they understood each other perfectly. Dean attacked the werewolf before it had the chance to strike. Dean killed the werewolf with little energy wasted before Cas returned to him with the news.

"Other wolves are coming, we need to leave, NOW."

Dean and Cas sprinted through the forest in the dead of the night. They kept running for a long few minutes until Dean declared he needed a break. They spent the next few hours until sunrise, running and hiding, fighting when they had to, and saving each other's asses over and over again.

Cas lead the way, heading down the hill and towards the stream in the near distance. Cas went down to the stream and paused. He looked around, thinking, and Dean knew exactly what was running through Cas's mind. This was the same place that Dean had found Cas in purgatory YEARS ago. The same place they hugged and Dean found out why Cas had left him. The same place Dean had said "I need you" and Cas agreed to go with them. It was the same place Cas felt Dean's longing, so strong and powerful. When Dean complimented his beard and said "hey, nice peach fuzz" and softly brushed his fingers against his face, Cas had almost lost it. He spent a whole year, listening to Dean's prayers, distancing himself from Dean to keep the hunter safe. He wanted nothing more than to hold Dean in his arms and tell him that they'll make it out. But the monsters would never stop hunting them. And Cas would rather have the monster on his ass, than on Dean's. All the memories, feelings, and emotions just spiralled in Dean and Castiel's minds. Cas turned to face Dean.

"You remember this place?" Dean asked, trying to smile, but every time he looked into Cas's eyes, he just saw a broken angel.

"Yeah."

Dean went up to Cas, "And you remember what I told you? I said I need you. And- Cas- it still stands true."

Cas gave Dean a very exhausted look, "don't play with my feelings, Dean. I deserve better."

Dean bit his lips nervously, "yeah. You do. Actually yeah, you deserve a whole lot better than how I've been treating you lately. You were right. I've been a dick, and I've hurt you over and over again. And I'm- I'm sorry."

"One sorry isn't going to make up for how much suffering I've endured because of you," Cas said darkly.

"I know. Cas- I know," Dean looked very comfortable, and dare he say it, a little bit afraid, "you mean a lot to me, Cas. You're family. And I- I should have done better."

Cas remained silent, he looked down and saw a group of black flowers that looked very similar to black Hellebore flowers. Cas pursed his lips grimly recognising the flowers, _hell_ ebore flowers, oh, that was no coincidence. He reached out and pulled the flowers from the roots. There were a few buds and a few full-grown flowers. He handed them to Dean, who frowned.

"These are it," Cas said.

"Uh, thanks, you sure?" Dean asked as he took the flowers. Cas nodded. He just knew. 

They didn't have long until the rift would close. Cas followed Dean, as they made their way back retracing their steps. Cas was extremely quiet, and Dean sensed that something was wrong.

"Cas? Everything okay?" Dean asked, falling behind to walk beside the angel.

"Dean, I'm not going back," Cas said slowly. Dean stopped in his steps and stared at Cas.

"What?"

Cas looked at Dean, "I'm not going back. You should go and take the flowers back to Michael. I don't belong there, and anyways, you don't want me around. I have no purpose back there, I'm weaker. I'm not the all-powerful angel I was back then. You should carry on without me."

Dean frowned, "I'm not leaving without you."

"You don't get to spend months hating me and wishing I was dead, and then suddenly show a spark of interest now," Cas said bitterly.

Dean stammered, "I never wished you were dead." Dean's voice was small.

"You told me I was dead to you. I'm just your weapon. I don't want to be your weapon anymore. Please, just get the flowers to Michael," Cas said, taking a few steps back.

Dean was going through a mix of emotions, both anger and sadness, "you are NOT our weapon. You are NOT a tool. You're an angel. You're- you're my friend. Fuck, Cas, where the fuck did we go wrong? Cas, I need you. Now more than ever. I need you fighting by my side. The last time I left you in this god awful place, you got mind controlled by Naomi, I am NOT leaving you again."

Cas sighed, watching a pool of regret and despair float around in Dean's eyes, "you made yourself clear over the past few weeks. You're just saying all this to get me back, to use me and then break me again. It's a toxic cycle that you're all too familiar with, Dean. I'm sorry. But this ends now."

Cas turned around to leave but Dean caught him by his shoulders, "Cas, I am begging you. Don't do this."

Cas faced Dean, glaring at him in the eyes. He noticed that Dean didn't deny what he accused him for, "Goodbye Dean."

"If you leave now, don't you EVER come back!" Dean yelled, his anger taking over him again. Cas didn't look back as he pulled himself away from Dean's grasp, walked away and just continued walking. Dean stood there, unable to comprehend what just happened. Cas left him. His angel left him. And Cas was never coming back. Not this time.

\--

Dean found the rift and stared at it for a few seconds. He knew he should go back, and find Cas and convince him to come back home, but he was running out of time. Dean looked back at the forest, and he heard a growl, a deep low growl that he recognised. Dean panicked and left through the rift which closed behind him.

"Where's Castiel?" Michael asked. Dean stared at him speechless. He just left Cas in Purgatory… again.

"He- he didn't want to come back," Dean said quietly.

Michael frowned, "and you just accepted that? Bit of a dick, aren't you, Dean?"

Dean gulped, "he wouldn't listen. I couldn't change his mind. I left him… again. Fuck."

Dean reached into the bag and handed Michael the flower, "Here. Take it. I just- fuck- I need a minute." Dean left the room, slamming the door behind him. He went to his room and texted Sam but his brother didn't reply. He assumed Sam and Eileen were busy with the case unbeknownst to him, they were captured by Chuck. Dean really liked Eileen. She understood the life, and she understood them. She was good to Sam, and it was very clear that they both liked each other. Dean was happy for Sam. At least one of the brothers could be happy. Dean knew he could never have what Sam has with Eileen. That kind of love, understanding, the respect they have for each other, was rare. Dean could never be happy, especially now with Cas gone.

Dean took his jacket off and threw it to the ground. He was so _angry._ Dean went to place his gun down on the table and the drawer was open. Inside he saw a picture, of him and Cas laughing. It was taken the day he and Cas wanted to summon Raphael, and Dean took Cas to a brothel. Those were simpler times. Dean remembered saying _"you are not gonna die a virgin, not on my watch"_ and watching how terrified Cas was. This didn't work out the way they planned, of course. But that night, Dean had been truly happy with Cas. As the years went by, their relationship developed and became more serious, more intense. Dean lost Cas over and over again. He lost Cas in purgatory, he lost Cas when he tried to become God, he lost Cas when Lucifer killed him, and again he lost Cas. Cas was the one person who just kept slipping away from his fingers, and Dean just didn't know what to do. Cas was right of course, Dean had used him, pushed him around like he was a toy, and yelled at him like he was his punching bag. Dean felt the acids rising his throat, and felt sick to his stomach. He mistreated Cas, and now Cas was lost in purgatory, convinced that Dean hates him. Cas was alone, scared, running away from monsters for god knows how long, and Dean didn't try to win him back. He didn't even try. And now it was tearing him apart. 

The anger simmered and boiled until it overcame him. Dean grabbed the lamp from his bedside table and threw it across the room. He took his books and ripped the pages apart, not giving two shits if any of it was important. Dean grabbed the closest thing he could find, and threw it to the ground, watching everything break and shatter. He screamed and he yelled until his voice went hoarse. He hated himself more than he ever did before. Dean punched the wall until it made a small dent, and his knuckles bled dry. Dean kicked and broke whatever he could find. Everything hurt down to his very core. He couldn't do it, the pain was overwhelming, and he felt like he lost Cas all over again.

Dean sat down on the edge of his bed, and clasped his hands together, closing his eyes.

"Cas? You- uh- you got your ears on?" Dean started his prayer, "I just- I need to tell you some things. Things I should have told you before, things you deserve to know."

"You know this isn't easy for me. To talk about how I feel and shit like this. But I can't- I can't lose you again. Cas, I just can't."

His eyes started to sting and his knuckles still screamed for attention.

"I think first things first, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, do you hear me? I'm sorry for the way I treated you, for every single shitty thing I said. You were right. I'm a huge asshole. I just used you as my punching bag and god, Cas, you don't deserve it. But you were never just a tool or a weapon. You were my friend, the one person I knew I could trust no matter what, and now I just fucked it all up," Dean's voice broke.

"I never let myself open up, or let myself be happy because every time I did that in the past, people I love would get ripped away from me. And Cas, I couldn't lose you. It was easier to yell at you because you were the closest to me. It was easier to blame you than to admit that- I- I fucked up. I let my anger and my head control me, and fuck- I'm a shit person I know. And I know I don't deserve you. Nobody does. I don't want you to think, I hate you. Because I really don't. I could never hate you, because like you said, I care too damn much about you too."

Dean gulped, staring at his red knuckles, "Being in purgatory again, talking to Rowena, seeing Sam with Eileen, it was all just too much. I should have stopped you, I should have fought harder for you. Cas, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what I can say to make things right again. I broke you, you were _mine_ and I fucking broke you. I can never forgive myself for that. You were good to me, Cas. You always came when I called, you always healed me up, you gave up an army for me, remember that? I don't hate you, it's- uh- it's actually the opposite."

Dean covered his face with the palms of his hands.

"I want what Sam has with Eileen, I want that with- with you. Even if I can't have that, I want my friend back. I miss you, Cas. I miss what we used to be. I miss your weird lop-sided smile and that annoying head-tilt thing you do when you're confused. I miss hunting with you, I miss hanging out with you. Cas, I don't know if you're getting this, but please stay alive. I'll find a way back to purgatory and I'll get you back I promise. Just, please, stay alive. For me."

Dean exhaled like it was a breath he had been holding in for years. He looked up at the ceiling, "please, hear me, Cas. Please, know that I'm so fucking sorry. I'll make this right, I have to. Because the alternative is too fucking shitty. I won't lose you, again."

Dean felt like his heart got crushed into a million pieces. He was so broken, confused and lost. What if Cas wasn't getting his prayer? What if Cas didn't want to hear his voice and turned it off? What if Cas is already dead? Dean's head was spinning and he was afraid. He had to convince Michael to open another rift. He had to get Cas back. No matter the cost.


End file.
